You say Scarfs, another says Scarves, I scoff at both.

After a long Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn, I have awoken from my hibernation and left my cave. And what would a young man do in such a situation? One might think he would eat or take a shit or try to procreate with a woman. Not me though, I will blog about fashion!

So it’s cold outside, let’s talk about scarves! Let’s face the facts, unless you are an arctic explorer, an infant or the elderly, the warmth of your neck is not an issue in your day to day life. So you’ve decided to wear a scarf for the fashion of it. Big mistake! Let’s face it, unless you fit in one or more of the previously mentioned categories, the only purpose a scarf will serve is to hang yourself from the rafters of the boys club around the street from your house. I mean seriously, start wearing scarves and the next thing you know you’ll wake up wearing painted-on black denim pants, smoking crystal meth behind the Safeway. And nobody wants that. You are a beautiful person. You’re better off popping your collar.

It’s good to be king!

So I celebrated Epiphany Day with my co-workers this morning. Normally I won’t take part in religious celebrations because I think God hates me. But like most Americans, I will quickly comprimise my beliefs when free gifts are on the line! So I was blasphemously devouring my slice of king cake, only to discover that indeed the magi where smiling down on me. I had the magic figurine in my cake that gave me the power of king for the day! God really does love me. But how could this be? How could same God that would cast you to hell for eating meat on a Friday, grant me such happiness? I guess it will go down along with all life’s mysteries, like evolution and that wacky science stuff.

Boners and Saddlebags: Do you see pleated pants in your Autumn Attire?

Tired of people calling you “thunder thighs” or “homo-erection-us” at work? Then why the hell do you still wear pleated pants?
Lets face it, pleated pants are out of style. They have been for some time now. Those fine stitched and pressed pleats belong on fox hunts and golf courses. Not in the cubicles of your office. Not even the thinnest of thin can pull these off when coupled with a tapered leg. The flat front khaki is far more flattering to just about anyones figure. Just ask Carson Kressley of Queer Eye fame. In his new book “The Essential Guide for Men and Women Who Love Them,” Kressley may call for cashmere for every occassion, but pleats are a never! And let’s face it, the millions of homosexual Bravo viewers can’t be wrong. This guy knows fashion!
I would hate to put a fine establishment like JCPenney out of business, but we need to get out pleated pants. It’s a crime against fashion and a crime against America. So take that next middle management paycheck and get yourself something flat and snazzy from the new dockers catalog.